I've been such a bad, bad girl these past few days. Pero, di mo rin naman ako masisisi. Now, I finally realized where I am coming from and I just want to get this of off my chest. I wanted to put this in my facebook as a status for the whole world to see, but I can't because I still respect you kahit paano. Kaya lang, nakakapikon na talaga and it all started out after I had a rift with your concubine. I can't believe that a psychopath like you can be manipulated by a stupid b*tch. I am very sorry for the harsh words, but that's the truth. Ever since I expressed my hatred over that stupid bitch of yours you treated me differently. It seemed like you forgot and did not recognize all the things I've done for you. You didn't even express appreciation for all the hardwork that I've done for you starting that day that you decided to change our system and all those hardwork that I've done to cover up the mistake you did earlier this year and doing both tasks at the same time. Tapos, pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa ko for you, ganito pa ang gagawin mo sa kin. Making feel that I am not good enough. Making me feel that I am as stupid as that stupid concubine bitch of yours! Akala mo siguro porke't tahimik ako hindi ako magsasalita or magpapakita ng galit sa mga pang-aapi niyo sa kin? Oh well, palibhasa since iba ang lahi mo, hindi mo siguro alam na ang mga taong tatahi-tahimik ay nasa loob ang kulo. Hindi mo ata alam kung sino ang kinakalaban mo. Patient ako na tao, I don't get angry easily pero pag napuno ako, ibang klase akong magalit. Basta sa ngayon, pwede ba tigilan mo na ko at wag mo na akong kulitin dahil ayokong maging disrespectful na tao. Dahil kung dati hindi kita sinasagot, ngayon talaga lahat ng sasabihin mo sa kin ay babarahin ko because I want to prove myself to you. Sabi nga nila... Hindi ako just-just (basta-basta... hahaha!!!) Lalabanan kita kung nakikita kong minamaliit mo na ako. Dahil wala kang karapatang maliitin ako... Balang-araw, magtatagumpay din ako at mas magiging matagumpay at mayaman pa ako sa yo (dahil hindi ako tulad mo na isang matapobreng tao).

It's been almost a week now since my car finally broke down and because of this, I realized something. I realized and I'm very much overwhelmed of the love and support that I get from people around me. Since my sister's friend and I actually work in the same facility, what usually happens when I don't have a car is that, my dad brings me to work and she (my sister's friend) brings me home. Last Friday when I went to check and ask what time she's going home, I asked one of her team members if he knew where she went and he said that he think she left already. He then said that if I need a ride he can drop me off. I was thankful but I was shy to have him drop me off so I said I'll just call my sister and ask her. Turned out though that my sister's friend came back so I had no problems. Then, yesterday (Tuesday), my sister's friend I think forgot that I don't have a ride. I asked again one of her team members she said that she thinks she's still in a meeting. We then went to their office to ask the same team member I asked last Friday if she left already. He said, yes. I was actually again about to call my sister, however, her other team member (the one that I first talked to yesterday) said she can drop me off. However, she'll be able to go home after an hour or so. So, I said I can call my sister but then we saw our ADON who also happens to be a friend and her friend too. She asked him if he is already going home and asked him if he can drop me off and, without batting an eyelash, he immediately said "yes". And so, who am I to turn him down. Then today, my supervisor asked me too how my car is and she asked me how I go to work and go home. I told her that my dad brings me to work and then, yes going home I go with my sister's friend and told her about yesterday's incident because it was too funny. Then she also offered me a ride and told me that if I need a ride home, I can just call her at the other office and she can drop me home. It was touching but I'd probably not do that except if it's a worst case scenario. I am too shy to ask her to drop me off because she leaves far away and my house is out of her way so it's going to be a hassle. But still, again, it was very touching. Lastly, before our ADON went home today, he asked me if I'm going home already and said that he can drop me home. This time, I already called my sister so I told him that my sister's going to pick me-up. It's really, really overwhelming because I felt that a lot of people are concerned about me and how I'll be going home. Now, I know that whatever happens, I don't have to worry because I can find someone who'll be able to take me home... awwww....

Please excuse me for this blog... I just wanted to release every feeling I am feeling right now just to get this off my chest and not lose my sanity...

Ok, weird as it is, I still can't forget the time when I thought I was going to be an employee of the month. I was not as visible as I am now during that time, but, the point is I have been doing a lot of stuff for everybody and for almost every department and still, they felt that I did not deserve that title. Don't you hate that?

At present, I must say I am more visible than before and I have been someone that they can rely on and trust in doing a lot of things but what do I get? NOTHING!!! Don't I deserve some bonus, raise or whatever? It's quite funny, interesting and absurd. And yet, despite of all these feelings, I still work my butt off. I kind of feel stupid sometimes but, I am not that type of person. I still believe in good karma. Probably not today and not for this company but some other time.

I really wish I could find some work or company wherein I can feel appreciated and rewarded, then, I will be the happiest girl in the world! I probably just really don't belong here... I know I deserve something better...

I need a juicy... hehe! :)

It's Friday night again and I'm not anymore busy at work but still got lots of things to do but I'm just probably tired today so I am lazy to start anything. Even at work earlier, I was really lazy to do anything. I probably chit-chatted half of the day... haha! Well, I only do that once in awhile.

Anyway, I miss having Friday night gimiks with my friends back home wherein we spend the night having dinner and chit chatting and then afterwards go to the coffee shop and chit-chat again till the wee hours of the morning. Haaaayyyy... I want that life back... because without that, I feel like I am going insane... I have lots of stuff that I wanna make kwento to my friends and I can't do it... I need a counselor... hahaha!!!

Sana naman balang araw magkaroon ako ng chikahan buddies para naman di ako maloka... hehe! :)

Just can't help blogging about this. Shucks, so who's not ready now? It's been a long time since we switched servers. I thought you know everything.  Now, there's a lot of charts that are missing and are not printed.  I thought we can't go to e-charting because our administrator really wants everything to be in a hardcopy. So, where's the hardcopies now? Sabi nga, nasa akin ang huling halakhak!!! You're so stupid.  I wish the administrator won't be biased about you anymore! Hey wake up!!!! Your medical records supervisor is not worthy enough to be there!!!! Duh?!!! Ikaw rin, baka ikaw rin mahirapan sa bandang huli...

This is getting very, very exciting! Sana kung sino man nakakaalam ng mga kapalpakan nitong tao na ito ay mag speak up now (or forever hold your piece... hahaha!!!).  Whoever speaks up, just call my name and I'll back you up... ;) This needs to stop now... Problems are piling up... FYI...

Sa sobrang dami ng ginagawa these past few weeks and probably sa loob ng 1 and 1/2 months to be exact, sobrang daming bagay ang pumapasok at lumalabas sa isipan ko. Just to clear up my thoughts at para hindi mabaliw, I'll try to put those things here:

1. I am thankful sa lahat ng mga tao who appreciates the things I've done for them. Para sa mga ibang tao who doesn't appreciate me, go to hell... haha! FYI, I am just earning a meager salary, you're probably earning a lot more than I do.  I am just trying to do my job and what I was asked for.  I am TIRED so please don't mess up with me.

2. Please, I don't like people pitying me. Ayokong kinaaawaan ako kasi bigla akong naaawa sa sarili ko din.  Narerealize ko na I am not compensated that well. Taking up a course in Human Resources Management is enough for me to realize how less compensated I am.  Iniisip ko na lang sa dami kong skills, darating din ang time na mapapakinabangan ko ang lahat ng yun and magtatagumpay din ako.  Success is sweeter kapag pinaghirapan mo ito.

3. Nakasanayan kong magtrabaho sa isang corporate world.  I am a firm believer of process. Tao lang ako nasasaktan.  Pero naniniwala pa rin ako na people should know what particular issues to raise and kung kanino niya dapat i-raise ang particular issue.  Ayokong ayoko sa lahat yung nakakarating sa upper management ang issue lalo na kung simple lang naman ito at kayang gawan ng paraan. Ako rin naman nagka-issue nuon sa supervisor ko, pero before going to my manager about it, nag email muna ako sa kanya nung mga bagay na dapat niyang malaman. Ayoko kasi sa lahat yung parang nasisiraan ka sa management dahil lang sa isang bagay. Kahit na galit na galit ako nun sa STL ko I still wanted to protect him so I voiced out my opinion through email. Di man kami naging ok pa rin masyado (i mean we didn't become friends or close teammates) pero at least nakapagwork kami ng civil with each other without management knowing na may issue kami sa isa't isa.

4. Hindi ko rin gusto yung special treatment na narereceive ko. Yes, the process is better now pero hindi ko yun ginusto, naniniwala lang ako na it is the right process. Kung di niyo man ako malapitan para matanungan wag niyo ng ulit ulitin sa kin yun. Again, hindi ko yun ginusto yun lang ang tamang proseso.  Kaya nainis at nainsulto din ako nung merong nagsabi sa Asst. DON namin na, "So di ka na assistant ng DON natin, assistant ka na ngayon ni Maridor?" Hindi ko alam kung anong na-feel nung sinabihan nun, kung ako maiinsulto ako, pero on my part, naguilty lang ako kasi hindi ko naman gusto mangyari yun.  Hello, mag isa lang akong tumatrabaho ng lahat about sa system and theres 300+ people that I have to work with.  Come on, maging understanding ka naman.

5. Sana lang people will be thankful na meron isang taong tumutulong sa kanila to make their lives easier.  Sa palagay ko ito na ang biggest sacrifice (so far) na nagawa ko sa tanang buhay ko.  Dun sa dati kong trabaho kahit na super stressful malaking tulong na may nakakausap ako na merong situation like me (yun siyempre din yung mga teammates ko) so nagkakaintindihan kami.  Ngayon kasi feeling ko ako lang mag isa dito.  Ang hirap kasi ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili ko. Nagpapasalamat ako at may nakikinig sa kin. Kaso naiintindihan ko rin na ang magagawa niyo lang ay makinig sa kin. Yun nga lang may mga iba pa rin akong hindi masabi talaga. Takot pa kasi akong magtiwala and again ayoko rin naman yung masiraan ang tao ng dahil sa kin. Pero naniniwala din ako na wala namang mali sa kin dahil mas maraming galit dun sa taong kinaiinisan ko kesa sa kin.  Pero na-mimiss ko yung mga taong nave-ventan ko ng ganitong problema. Sila Bernard, Vence, Khalil, Jonax (mga kaibigan ko sa una kong trabaho).  At least siguro alam naman nila na di ako talaga judgemental pero may mga tao lang talaga na kahit di mo gustong sirain sila ang sumisira sa pagkatao nila. They listen to me and empathize with me during these situations.

Ay nako, sana lang talaga maging ok na ang lahat. I am tired of this and this is not worthy of my time. Sa mga critics ko, oh well papel, salamat at na-iinsecure kayo sa kin it just means, bilib na bilib ka sa kin dahil mas marami pa akong nalalaman kesa sa inyo who should know your stuff.

Now, can I call the universe and tell them that:

1. I want a big fat bonus
2. I want an Ipad 2 aside from that big fat bonus (haha!)
3. I want to have a GRAND vacation
4. I want to have the proper papers to able to work in this country
5. I want to work in Accenture again
6. I want to finish my HRM course with flying colors (the whole certificate course)
7. I want to work as a statistician, computer programmer and HR all at the same time (i think this is possible kapag maging HR ako or kapag magkaron ako ng project na HR apps)

I have been feeling emotional lately and I really hate it, so, hopefully, after writing this and taking it off of my chest, I will be released from all this feelings and get the peace that I've always wanted.  The past one and a half month have been really crazy for me. Honestly, I like what I'm doing right now, I love it that I am doing the thing that I love and have been learning a lot of things.  I am actually thankful of this opportunity.  However, sometimes, I feel depressed, frustrated, angry, etc. I am a strong person I know that, but when I feel overwhelmed about all these feelings, sometimes, I really can't help but cry. Today, I guess I was not perfectly able to hide my emotions.  I kind of hate it, because I don't want people thinking that I am a weakling because I know I am not.  Aside from that, they might feel that I'm just over reacting or something.  It's actually quite hard to explain but I think I've figured out why I am feeling this way and again now that I've figured it out, I hope this will end all the negative emotions that I am feeling right now.

I just hate it that some people can't appreciate things.  Why can't they just stop complaining and be thankful that someone out there is trying to help make their life easier?

Now that I've figured this out, I hope this will help change my perspective and instead of thinking about those people, I'll just think and be thankful of the people who sees my worth and are grateful for helping me in this journey.

A few weeks ago while we were vacationing in Vegas at naglalakad lakad, merong isang psychic na lumapit sa friend na kasama namin at sabi niya ay naka-feel daw siya ng malakas na vibes.  Sinabihan din niya ako na nakaramdam din siya ng same thing about me.  Pagkatapos bigyan ng discount, naisipan na rin namin subukan.  Wala namang masama di ba?! Marami siyang hinula sa min pero gusto ko lang isulat ang isa sa mga ito.  Well, sabi niya na makakapag asawa naman daw ako when we asked kung anong nationality, after ilang minutes sabi niya Indian daw. Katuwaan lang naman yun kaya hindi ko sineseryoso.  Then, after ilang days or maybe a week, meron lang akong biglang naisip.  Naisip ko na marami nga palang Indian na nagwowork sa IT.  So I thought, siguro posible nga na mangyari ito at makakameet ako ng Indian sa work.  Meaning, may possibility na balang-araw makakalipat din ako ng trabaho at makakapagtrabaho ako sa isang IT company.  At dahil dun, natutuwa ako.... hindi dahil sa makakapag asawa ako ng Indian kundi dahil makakapag work ulit ako sa isang IT company na sa tingin ko yun talaga ang gusto kong gawin... hahaha!!!

- THE END -

CALLING THE ATTENTION OF THE UNIVERSE....

I WANT A HARDER WORK AND A HIGHER SALARY... PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!!

...No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my boo
Boy you know I'm crazy over you...

Yes! I am having a dilemma, but it's not what you think it is... :)
This is not a dilemma of choosing between two gorgeous guys because that's seems to be impossible (for now... hehe!)
Anyway, this is more of making a decision to pursue something I love to do and the plans I have in life.  Ok, let's do a flashback... 2 years ago, I've resigned from my company as a Systems Analyst to pursue a career in a foreign country, be with my family and do something different (having a work different from what I've been doing for almost 8 years).  The problem here is that this plan is open ended.  When I stepped here, I still have this dilemma... Will I be staying with the company who sponsored me until I become a permanent resident here or after serving some time in this company, should I look for another employer who's willing to sponsor me to have a new working visa and into becoming a permanent resident? One thing is for sure, though, I want to be a permanent resident here.  The only problem is how. 

You're probably wondering why I am having this dilemma.  Well, for obvious reasons, choosing option A (stay with my current company and have them sponsor me) seems the better option. Aside from that, option A is like living in my comfort zone already.  My work is just a few miles from my where I live, I can wake up at 8am and still can be in the office at 9am (although my work time should start at 8:30am, hehe!), I live with my family (meaning less bills to pay), etc, etc.    However, I am not that happy with what I am doing.  I want a job which requires a lot of thinking and analyzing tasks (I learned that the hard way) and I want a job wherein me and my co-workers are aligned with each other (like we are both living in a computer age, because right now, I am currently on the computer age while some of my co-workers are still living on the stone age), etc, etc.

I've been having this dilemma often ever since I've stepped my foot on this land.  Every time, this thought or dilemma comes into my mind, I always seek God's guidance on what decision should I make.  Before, I think God is giving me signs towards choosing option A.  Why do I say so?   Because, every time I pray about it, something good happens.  One of the times that I prayed about it, the next day, I got a good monetary bonus from my Administrator, then, another time my Asst. Administrator told me that she gave me a salary increase (and the increase was not that bad), and then another time my Administrator gave me a gadget I love but will not think of buying for myself.  Then, lately something bad is happening again to me and the company, like now, I know who my enemies are (these are people who don't like me or don't appreciate what I'm doing for the company), and then I heard that I was voted to be an "employee of the month", but something happened in the end and they gave it to the person that my enemies are rooting for, and lastly, my enemies asked me again to do some things, and didn't appreciate the suggestion that I made.  This all happened in a week and again I've been praying to God to guide me in making a decision and since nothing good has been happening yet, I'm guessing, now is probably the right time to choose option B.

Thinking about it, I guess there's no harm in trying to choose option B.  I can look for an employer and still have my job at the same time.  I think, it's again time to gather my strength and courage to look for a better opportunity and live a life that I've always wanted.  So now, I'd better start updating that resume, review my knowledge in IT, and look for new employers.  Good luck and God bless to me! :)